


Firewhiskey Fic: Pegging Out at the Cauldron

by UnseenLibrarian



Series: Firewhiskey Drunken Fics [15]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Fic, Drunk Fic, F/M, Firewhiskey Fic, Humor, Parody, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:02:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnseenLibrarian/pseuds/UnseenLibrarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione decides to act upon a dream. - An October 2013 Firewhiskey Fic entry - no betas allowed - drunken misspellings are part of the charm!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firewhiskey Fic: Pegging Out at the Cauldron

**Author's Note:**

> **For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Pairing(s)/Characters:** Draco n Hermione
> 
> **Challenge:** Leaky Cauldron
> 
> **Summary:** Hermione decides to act upon a dream.
> 
> **Rating/Warnings:** MA
> 
> **Word count:** ~2800
> 
> **A Winner:** Won the "FAVORITE ENTRY" award at the LJ October 2013 FirewhiskeyFic Fest.
> 
> **Author's Notes:** Holy dcrap, where idd this come from?
> 
> **I REPEAT:** **For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!**
> 
> * * *

**"OH FUCK THAT TWINK LIKE THE SLUT HE IS!"** yelled Hermione, who was so startlined in her sleep by what she yelled in her dream she woke up. She was confused for a few seconds, until that giant brain of hers that makes her costantly slant over to the right when she's not careful caught up to what was going on.

she was sleeping in one of the single rooms at the Leakey Caulrerond. Well, she wasn't sleeping ANYONRE MORE, since she'd just woken herself up.

she was pissed at herself, too, because it had been a really randy dram she'd been having. In it, Draco Malfoy, of all people, - and oh what a real twink he is, that pointy-faced, skinny twerp - had been getting fucked up the arse by none other than…

KNOWCK KNOWCK KNOWKC* came a kock at the door, interrupting her rememberoers.

"It's 3 a.m.. Who the hell could be knocking me up at this hour?" she wondered. She slid out of her bed, leaving the bedbugs behind, and tiptoes over to the door in her gossamer, impractical nightgown. Well, impractically for everyonhing ecxept perhapd for he getting laqd laid, because she DID look smoking hot in it, with her shapely figure juuuuust visiable through the floatly garment and the low-cut neckline gave everyone a eye-ytaste of her decolletage.

But as a dress or an outfit you want to be wearing when a zombie apocalypese strickes? no. not so much the right outfit for the job.

Anyway, thankfully, it wasn't a zombie at hte door.

"Who is it?" Hermione whispered at the door, not yet opening it.

"Granger! It's me, Draco!" came a voice.

"How do I know it 's really yuou?" she asked. Then sid h she adeed, "How come you are knocking at my door, Malfoy? And/ how did you know I was here at aoo?:"

"Let me in!" Draco snarled, "And I'll explain!"

"First you have to give the passowrd. Or at least tell me something that only you would know about me."

"Fiune. I know that you fixed your goddamned teeth after I hit yoiu with that densangueoe hex back in fourth year, and you have owned me for ythat beautiful smile ever since." Draco paused. " I mean, you've owed me."

Hermione threw oepn the rdoor. draco's jaw hit the floor as he saw Hermione's perfectly pert posture silouetted through her gossamer gown.

"Gert in hgere, Malfoy," she hissed. she grabbed him by the hand and drabbed him into her room, slamming the door behind him.

she crossed her arms under her boobs, tapping her foot in annoyance. Little did she realize what this did to Malfoy's libido. And to his IQ level.

"Wel;l? Talk to me. How did you know I was here and whay are you bothering to bang on my door at 3 am in the morning"?" she demanded, in a hiss, whick only served to maleke Draco harder than a stick of wood in the back room of Ollivander's Wand Shoppe, waiting to be made into a Wand of Wizardry for some lucky eleven-yar-old girl somewhere.

"Bibble," said Draco.

"Bibble?" What the heck does that mean?" HGermopln ed Hermione fretted at him. she grabbed his hand and tiugged huim over fto the bed, which was the only place to sit. Why? because a Leaky Cauldron bargain budget room has a bed and a wardrobe in it, and that's IT. What do you expect for 7 Knuts a night? And let me just tell you right now, the wardronbe? Is NOT a wardrobe you want to be climbing inside to see if you can walk through to a nnother magical dimension, you know what I'm say'in?

Stick to the Harry Potter universe, Boys and Giurls. Or, at least wait for so,me slimy little creature with a precious goldend ring to show up, depanding his birthdy pressent. Fucj the wardrone thing. It ain't worth it.

ANYWAY, bad to Draco Malfoy, the Twink of Hermiuone's Sex-Dreams, who is titting on the unsuspecting bed of said Hermione Granger, Gossamer Girl of Gasping.

Hermione gasped, and blushed in mortofication. "Malfoy are you here because you heard me… um, calling out in my sleep?"

Draco looked befuddled. he was too busying staring iat the heaving boosom in front of him, abarely covered with cheesecloth, to really understand what she was .

"Uhnh?" he said, watching her boobies bobble in the breeze.

"I said, I mean, I asked you if you'd heard me crying out in my sleep? Is that why you came to my door?" Hermione asked, putting her hands on her hips. It was rather chilly in here, she decided. Why else would her nipples be sticking out like the diamonds on the engagement ring that she'd thrown back into Ron Weasle'ys face six months ago when she'd caught him doing the dirty deed with Pansy McSluttionson at the Summer Solstice Soiree? He hadn't even chosedn a nice place to stuff Pansy with his Pud - he'd simply dragged her behind the magical Porta Potties, dragged down her Pansy Panties, and shoved his Pudgy Penis into her Twitching Twat. OPansy hand't seemd to give a shit - here she was, finally getting stuffed by a Pureblood male wsho didn't care that she had the nose of a Pug dog. Was it her fault she was rthe result of 37 generations of Pureblooded inbreeding? Evne the Malfoy family hadn't wanted to Dip their Wicks into that Cesspool of fractured DNA strands.

Pansy had come hard around Ron's Pulsting Prick, and Hermione had thrown the (tiny, crappy, shitty) diamond ring at ron so hard that he'd come instandly, screaming Pansy's name but watching Hermone run away as he did.

she hadn't seen him,. or the Weasley amily, since.

Ecxcept that one time when she'd had a one-night stand with Charlie out there in Romaina. DAMN, had she been settling for the wrong Weasley brother. Wow, could Charlie put out. Thank Merline she'd used fourteen contraceptiove and diesase charms ,or she would have been pregnant for sure. He could pump out the sperm ,ikle there was no tom orrow. You'd think he'd never gotten laid before, but there were plenty opf little redheaded kids running around in the nearby Romanian villages to put pause to that idea.

I need more wine. BRB.

I'm back now. Ahhhh.

WHERE WERE WE?

Oh hyesh. Draco Malfoy had banged on Hermione's door for some as yet unknown easpon, and he's currently ogling her buxom bosom which is currently heaving at him through her Gossamer Gown(™). Meanwhile, Hermione waws reminiscing about her break-up with Ronald McDonald Weasley and her subsequent hot One Night (weekend, really) Stand with his stocky-but-handsome-and-oh-so-hung-and-fertile brother, Charlie.

And now, on withb the story.

"Granger? May I camm you Hermione?" Draco said, staring at her dhest. Hermione stooped slightly so their eyes met. This worked for a millisecond, but then Draco realized that, while her eyes were wquite lovely in all their muddy-brown slendor, they didn't hold a candle to her juicy Globes of Georgeous Glomping.

Her cleavage in that Gossamer Gown(™) was magnificnet. Her mupples were pink. He'd figured they'd be beisge. How interesting.

"MALFOY! " Hermiuon'es sharp tongue brought him back to the here and hown wnow and the vaguley goherent.

"WHAT?!" he replyinged in a most-expected fashion.

"Why, did,you knowchk, on my dormiensa?" she asked him, staring into his big, grey, dewy, horny eyes.

"I…" he stopped, stammared, and started again. " I knew you were here at the Cauldron, Geamergerm, because I signed in just after nyou. I knew you were in this room because I am next door. and yes, I did hear you dcry out in your sleep - who the hell is the Twink you were having a sex-dream about, anyway? - but the MAIN reason I konweld on your door at 3 am was that… was that…"

"What? WHY?! Draco, why? Whaty aren't you telling me?" hermione clasped her handa around his, tugging on them and sil;ently begging him to tel lher what he wasn't.

He wanted to tell her that he wanted her, that h'ed wante her for hears, ever sicne -= no, not sinc e the fucking 4th year Yule Ball, and no, not sicne she'd slapped him across the fvace in 3rd year, but, ever since he'd seen her stand up to and survive his Aunt Belly's horrific idea of foreplay.

Granger was amazing, she was hot, and she was Draco's dream girl.

He wanted to tell her that, but in true Slyhering couwareld fasyioh, he said,

"My toilet's backed up and is overflowinginto my roon. I cam in here to crash."

Hermione starred at him, frozen, her hands still clutching his pale ones. They were quite warm, he noted he also realized he was sitting on her bed - Which HWAS A SINGL:E - and he couldn't help tingling all over that perhaps he might hget to SPOOON wjuth Hermione Granger tonight, after all.

Alte least for a few hours, before the dawn arrived.

This was winter, right? Wasn't Dawn still a few hours away? It's only… what, 3:30 am right now?

His inner musing were interrupted. Granger was speeking.

"malfoy, that's herrible. You sohuld complain to the managemnt when morning bcomes." Hermione was indignant on his behalf. FOR HOIM! MAL:FOY DRADCO! wow. He coud't beieve his luck.

He managed a sad face.

Hermione ozzed over too him, pressing her breasts against his chest. (she wasn't very tall)

"Draco? How would you like to sleep here tohniotht? for the rest of the night, OI mean""  
she breaked in his hear.

Draco's ear twitched.

"Well, yes. I would like to, actually. We Malfoy's need our bewaty sleep," he wsaid, faking a yawn and rubbing his pointly chin.

"Excellent,"HGermione purred." you can shar the bed with me," she said, "under oone condition."

Draco lowered his eyelids in an attempt to llook foxy. He didn't look foxy, but rhater… raccoony? (Gimmy a break, it was 3:37 am)

"Yes?" he whispered in a husky sotto voce whisper-thing.

"You have to let me fulfill a fantasy with you," Hermione whispered. "You see, I was having a lovely dream just before you knocked, and I qoulds quite like to see it to the end."

"Oh yes? What was this dream?" draco asked.

You were in it," said Hermione, as she pushed him back onto the bed and piclked up her wand. (It was her vinewood wand, which she'd found in Malfoy Manor after she'd scoured the place from top to bottom, searching for it. In the process of hunting, she'd found that Lucious Malfoy had been hording a huge collecton of Muggle BBW porn magazines amd that Narcissa Malfoy owned a large selection of battery-operated vibrators and dildoes. she';d also found Voldemort's yew wand hidden away in a crevice of the Malfoy Manor Library(™), and she'd dutifully confiscated it and put it in a museum, where it belonged - next to the Ark of the Covenant.)

"I was in it," asked Draco, obligingly stripping off his pajama shirt. he thought he had her right where he wanted her. Hermione surprised him yet again, hwoever, when she Vanished his pajama bottoms with a silent Whatever-the-hell-it-is Charm.

"Oh yes, you were in it, Draco," she breathed, her eyes lingering over his now-naked body from top to bottom. He noted that they lingered on his middriff, where his rock-hard erection was resting, pointing up at his chin and hoping for her attentions in the next few minutes.

"Gods, you really ARE a twink, aren't you?" Hermione breathed, her wand twitching as she Vanished her own Gossamar Gown(™).

"Um…" Draco said, eloquently.

"Stay stuill. No, wait, here," Hermiuone fliucked her wand, and in a few quickly-whispered spells, she had Draco turned over onto his stomach, ass-up in the air, and tied to the bed good and snug.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Listen, this is Harry Potter Fanfiction, folks! If you aren't going to use MAGIC in the GOD DAMNED STORY, What IS THE FUCKING POIN T ! !? You could be writing a Twilight pice of crap, if you don't do something with some hexes or charms and a GOD DAMNED WAND!)

Hermione cackled, literally cackled, with glee after she saw the beauty that was Draco Malfoy, Trussed Turkey.

Draco began to sweat.

"Just what are you trying to pull here, Granger?" he squeeked, unwilling to admit he was as turned on as he'd ever been in his life, and that included the time Voldemort snuck up on him and hugged him from behind.

"I had a dream about you, Draco. Oh yes. and in it, you were being fucked."

"Oh heaqH? " Draco lifted his head from the motheaten mattress, trying to see the bushy-haird Amazon who stood behind him in her nakend gloory. He could hear her dong something back there. suddeently, he fgelt a filling, BURNINBG sensation - IN HIS ARSEHOLE!

"What are you doing?" he schgeirekd like a little girl. W hich, gid forbid, I hope never actiually happenes.

"Relax,": Hermione cooded. "I'km just gettin g you ready. I've implanted a Weasley Wizard Wheezes Wonder-Wang into your arsehole."

" a What?"

"A WWW Wonder-Wang! Relax! It will expand a tiny bit every 30 secionds, lubricating your arsehole as it does so, so that in 5 minutes, you'll be lubed, prepped, and oh-so-ready for the main attraction - My WWW Strap-On Dildo of Delight!" Hermione stepped into the faint glow of the moonlight that shone in the window. She was wearing a sliucked=iup, lubricated, hige and veiny strap-on didlo. Indeed, Draco's buttocks clenched in Delight(™) at the thought of that veiny Dildo of Do-It-To-It-Ness sinking into his nether regiosns. He felt he had to at least make a token show of protest, however.

"But, but, Granger! Hermione! you said that you dreamt about me! How could you do this to me after…"

"Draco, my dear lad," Hermione whispered as the WWW Wonder-Wang finally finished streching and scissoring and wahtever else the fuck it did to a guy's butt to make it ready for a Big Dick to be slid inside. "Draco, yes, I ddi dream about you. but I wasn't being fucking by you - YOU were getting plugged up the arse," she said, and she positioned her Dildo of Delight against Draco's Derriere as she Did so, and began to thrust it into his extremely open-and-willing Sphincter of Sexual Sensation.

"But, ooog, ohh…" Draco moaned, thrusting back against her Dildo of Delight on his hown accord, until with their dual efforts it was snugly embedded inside his Rectum of Redemption.

Hermione begain to thrust, hitting Draco's prostate juuuuuust so. she kept her wand at the ready, just in case more lube was needed. The Dildo of Delight did seem to exude its own lube every few seconds, however, so it seemed that the Wonder Weasliey Twins had onece again doen their market research thoroughly. Hermione was sure they'd tested the Dildo of Delight on each other ,but what was to co,palin about?

She thrust deeper, eliciting extreme groans of satusfacdtion from Draco. He wasn't aware of this, but the Dildo of Delight had an attachement (that Hermuone was wearing) that fitted into the vaginal orifice of any woman who wore it, and it buzzed and throbbed in rythym to her movements. So, as Hermione plugged Draoc' o's Twinkie Arselhole, her own Twinkly Twat was getting stuffed to the max of satisfaction.

"oooo…" said Hermione, nearing orgasn, which was good becoase so was Draco," ooo, yes - yes, you were being plugedg, like the twink that you are - BY ME!" she sfcreamed, as she oprgasomed all over the Dildo of Delight, and Draco, urged on by the throbbing sensations against his opwn prostsate (not to mention the fact that Hermion'es hand was wrapped around his prodigious prick, milking him for all he was worth,) Draco SPURTED FROTHH WITH COME OF HIS OWN DEVISING, froth after spurt after jizz afer cum, the two of them screaming and yeiulling and trying to be the one to get in the last word, before they finally, FINALLY, and to the relief of all the other overnight guests of the Leaky Cauldron, fell to the mattress, breaking the flimsy bedframe and passing out instantly into a well-deserved, QUIET, orgasmic=post-coitus, slumber, at was 3:57 am. in the morning.

**FIN**


End file.
